long time no see.
work has been hectic. i somehow managed to score all 4 days of the long weekend. im going back in today because i dont know how to say no. am very sick of it.
christmas will soon be upon us. the year has flown it seems. ive started buying presents. i want to go on a big clothes spending spree,  iwant some shorts and jeans, but credit card is reaching its limit. hopefully ill get a big pay this week, they owe me about $175 plus whatever i earnt last week so we will see.

i had a customer harrass me the other day about the scars on my arms, telling me he couldnt believe they let me work there with that shit on my arms and did i want to kill myself. what the fuck am i supposed to do with pricks like that? being the big brave girl i am, i waited till he left and cried. boo hoo. i hate that place with a passion. i know i should just get another job, but where am i gonna get something part time that is nice and flexible? mostly flexible. i dont have the motivation for job seeking. id like to reduce my shifts to 2 a week but my parents would chuck a spaz.

im trying to think of something positive to say but there really isnt anything. the foo fighters live in wembley dvd should arrive sometime soon?? well. i hope so. it hasnt been despatched but SOON HOPEFULLY. that will be exciting.

i found some awesome costumes online, plus size which is unusual, usually plus size costumes resemble a horses ass. these are cute and girly, id like to have a costume party for my birthday but the friend list is kind of dwindled so that is probably not going to happen.

how hard is it to let someone know you dont like them?
this guy keeps ringing me hassling me to give him my mobile number, he just had a friend call, i told them both i didn't want him to have my number, he hung up on me. if i can do it, why can't this other prick? because there is the chance ill sleep with him again, thus starting the vicious circle again. i dont think he understands at all what he does to me. why should he? he is just a guy wanting sex. he frustrates me so much. now i feel like the guy who called me twice, only i msg this guy 5 million times when im drunk. i didn't even bother apologising this morning. i try not to care but i just like him and i cant push him out of my head.

it feels like im talking to a brick wall.

well
i saw a shrink today
the prick didn't prescribe me anything
apparently i have 'serious problems' that cant be treated with medication.
RIGHT
HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT THE AID OF A TRANQ? I really don't think he understands.

fuck.

i feel like im cracking up.
im falling apart at the seams and i don't know how to stop it.

i need to kick this habit.

im fighting an overwhelming urge to cut myself.

i had the ambulance here the other night.. i cut a bit deep, but they didn't need stitches. it was embarrassing, i had to get mum to come and sign a piece of paper, or i had to go to hospital with him.
i was sitting here today playing with the scab and mum comes out and gets up me. apparently here is where i do my cutting. i left my bloody towel here. thats why she thinks that.

cutting is not cool.
it looks bad, it feels bad, but i can't stop.

so i sent mum some links on self injury, with the subject matter being MUM READ THIS DAD DONT. Lol heaps obviously worked. got some emails from dad at 4 am. sneaky prick.

hi tara, i had a very brief look at the self injury website, and have had witnessed it hospital many years ago.one of my concerns is you may misjudge the depth at which you cut, which may result in death.we dont want this. another concern is people looking for partners tend to steer away from persons with scars which are obviously self inflicted, most people see this as a sign of mental illness, which simply put, scares them away.
 please consider these facts before more cutting.
 love dad

i had to get 5 or 6 stitches today.
the after affects hurt more. i wish i could be anaesthatised forever. my whole body. especially my head. it feels nice.


the doctor was a prick
apparently i need to make an appointment if im going to hack myself up, i cant just rock up and expect treatment. i would have waited. he didn't have to be so rude especially when i was in such a state. he is also not going to bulk bill me anymore if i don't have an appointment. in that case, ill make sure i dont have to put up with his bullshit and see someone else. problem is, he was the only one there today. christ how am i supposed to know that. that arsehole, you are waiting at least an hour to see him he takes so long. he puts you in a room, goes and sees another patient, then comes back to you. what the fuck.
get fucked.

what the fuck
is this 3 hour sleep shit.
especially when i have an 8 hour shift ahead.
sleep you can go get fucked.

mi having a random mental breakdown.